


I'm sorry for your loss

by Writing_in_SIN



Series: 100 Ways to Say 'I Love You' [10]
Category: Kamen Rider - All Media Types, Kamen Rider Ex-Aid
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Dorks in Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Parad Needs a Hug, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Soul Bond, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:26:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22051021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writing_in_SIN/pseuds/Writing_in_SIN
Summary: "You don't have to force yourself to be here, Emu," Parad mumbles as he closes his eyes. "I know he was your enemy."
Relationships: Graphite & Parad (Kamen Rider Ex-Aid), Houjou Emu & Parad (Kamen Rider Ex-Aid), Houjou Emu/Parad
Series: 100 Ways to Say 'I Love You' [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538683
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	I'm sorry for your loss

**Author's Note:**

> TIMELINE: Post-canon; pre-relationship
> 
> _________________
> 
> CULTURAL NOTES:
> 
> * Hakamairi: Literally means grave visiting. A visit to a grave starts by cleaning the grave. After washing and purifying your hands, you collect water in a pail and head to the grave. After joining your hands in prayer, you pour the water onto the tombstone a little bit at a time and carefully wash the tombstone.
> 
> After cleaning the grave, you offer foods and fruits that the deceased enjoyed when they were alive. Flowers are also always placed at the grave. Chrysanthemum flowers are typically placed, but any flower the deceased liked may also be placed. After lighting a candle and offering incenses, you quietly join your hands in prayer.

* * *

**"I'm sorry for your loss."**

* * *

Grief has never been something Parad knows how to handle well, if at all.

It had been a constant fixture in the corner of his heart for six long years when he was separated from Emu. He was never allowed to process it or even recognise the ache that accompanied every beat of his heart until years down the line and by then, all he knew what to do with it was to lash out.

Because his grief has always been something he can never explain.

How could he? How could he explain grieving for someone who is still alive but doesn't remember him or that he himself barely recalls? How can a person hope to explain missing someone so much despite barely knowing them? How to even begin articulating the grief that was a noose around his neck when the knowledge of his very existence would kill his former host because he was that horrific; that _repulsive_ to him?

Inhale. Exhale.

Parad is fortunate though, being given the chance to understand and process that old grief. Blessed to know now that his existence is actually cherished; even precious to Emu.

However, despite the fact that he can recognise grief, Parad still doesn't know how to grieve the dead. Honestly, he didn't expect to be in a situation where those he cares about can die. He thought that as Bugsters, they were immortal and that they can have a long life with continues.

Parad knows better now and he's grateful despite the pain such a loss will cause.

Death is something he'll always be terrified of...but, he's also grateful to know that when it's time to go, he'll die as well just like everybody else.

Because more than dying, Parad is terrified of being left behind and alone.

"I wish you could see it too," Parad mutters to the makeshift grave decorated with tribal accessories within the wide clearing. "A life where Bugsters and Humans can live in peace. I mean...I know that you wanted to die the way you lived; as an enemy character but...I still wished you said yes to Poppy and I that time. Maybe Brave and Snipe would never forgive you but at least—" Parad breaks off when his throat closes up and a sob breaks past his lips as he pulls his knees up to hide his face. "At least you'd still be _alive_ , Graphite."

The wind blows throughout the clearing and his curls dance along with it, as if a large hand is ruffling his hair; warm with its brotherly touch.

Parad isn't sure for how long he stays as he is but it must be long enough when he feels the air turning cool. Raising his head, Parad stares at the grave before tensing when he hears footsteps approaching before relaxing when he senses the familiar presence.

Turning, he finds Emu walking towards him with windswept hair and already in his civvies; showing that the doctor just got off from his shift.

"Hey," Emu greets him softly, eyes worried and reaches out to brush warm fingers against Parad's cheek. "I've been looking for you."

"Sorry," he croaks out and Emu's worry turns palpable within the bond. "I didn't expect to stay this long either." Parad gestures to the grave with a sardonic twist of his lips. "Guess I lost track of time."

There's a crunch of gravel as Emu comes closer before Parad is wrapped in a warm embrace. Blinking back the tears that threaten to fall, he lets Emu arrange their position until Parad is leaning back against Emu's chest with his head resting on a shoulder. Behind him, Emu wraps his arms around Parad's neck in a hug before he presses a kiss to his temple.

Parad rubs his burning eyes then, squeezes the doctor's wrist before burrowing himself within the safety of Emu's arms.

"I know it's not much, barely anything at all even, but..." Emu murmurs against his temple, remorse and sadness colouring the bond. "I _am_ sorry for your loss, Parad."

The words may not help ease the pain of grief but the sentiment certainly does, so Parad shuffles until he sits sideways to hide his face in the crook of Emu's neck.

"You don't have to force yourself to be here, Emu," Parad mumbles as he closes his eyes. "I know he was your enemy."

"He was more Hiiro-san's and Taiga-san's enemy than mine." Emu cards a hand through his curls. "Besides, it doesn't change the fact that he was your friend and what matters to you, matters to me too, Parad."

"Still..."

"And I'm not _forcing_ myself to be here," Emu states firmly, pulling back to so that he can catch Parad's gaze with a determined frown. "I'm right where I always want to be— with you; right by your side."

There's no lie in those eyes and the tears he tried to keep at bay falls as Parad finally lets the grief of losing a friend; someone who was a brother to Parad, wash over him.

"I don't know how to do this, Emu," he blubbers as he holds onto Emu. "I don't know how to grieve the dead."

"I can teach you if you like?" Emu offers as he cups Parad's face in his hands before he winces. "Although...I can't say I've always coped well with grief either."

Sniffling, he rubs his eyes with the edge of a sleeve. "Lazer and Poppy?"

Emu makes a sound of agreement as he tightens his hold on him.

"It was...difficult, losing them. Poppy more so than Kiriya-san since I'm closer to Poppy. But...as difficult as it was, the grief was something I could learn to cope," Emu explains before his face crumples. "But you—"

There's a flash of memories and the bond flares with raw pain and grief that paralyse him; as if something tore his heart out and left him bleeding. It leaves him just as quick as it came but, Parad recognises what it meant.

"When I lost you...I— I couldn't handle it at all," Emu reveals, voice trembling with so much pain that it makes Parad reach out to wipe a tear from Emu's cheek; heart aching when sees the haunted look in the doctor's eyes. "I...didn't know how to breathe right anymore when you— when you d-died."

"...Even though we only had a month together?" Parad whispers.

Emu lets out a dry chuckle at that and gives him a watery smile. "Goes to show how we were always meant to be by each other's side instead of enemies, I guess."

"Yeah," Parad agrees, bringing Emu's hand up to brush his lips against the human's knuckles. "Guess it does."

They stay like that until the sky turns into hues of fire, the rays of the sun glinting off the tribal pendants as if flames are dancing within them. Somehow, Parad can't help but find that quite fitting for someone like Graphite who embodied crimson fire.

"Do you have any of my memories of hakamairi?" Emu asks him in the silence, snapping Parad out of his daze.

Worried that Emu might be sore from holding him for so long, Parad shifts until they're sitting side by side; shoulders pressed together. "Grave visiting? To your mom's you mean?"

"Yeah," Emu answers, leaning his head on Parad's shoulder. The gesture makes him smile because it's always a comfort to know that Emu likes to be near him just as much as Parad does.

"It's more of a blur now." Parad glances down at Emu, brow raised. "Why?"

"Want me to show you how?" Emu asks, looking up at him as he gestures to the grave. "For Graphite?"

"...I'd like that," he says after a long moment in trying to swallow down the lump in his throat. "Thank you, Emu."

Emu pulls away, guiding Parad's head down to kiss his forehead before cradling his cheek with a warm smile.

"Anytime, Parad."


End file.
